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The 10 Best Ways to Find a Dom or Sub

how to find a dom or sub

You don't have to spend much time in the online BDSM world to find the spaces flooded with questions related to "how to find a dom", or "dom and sub relationship". Luckily, we are here to provide you with answers to all the things you need to know when you're looking for a dom.

It's not easy to stumble upon someone in the "real world" who you not only share a mutual sexual attraction with but who also ticks your boxes of kinks.

Going even deeper than that, pun intended, you may or may not be aware that within BDSM, there are many sub-genres of dom and sub relationships that you ideally need to achieve compatibility with.

For instance, if your vibe is that of a bratty sub who needs to be punished, you're probably not going to have too much in common with a dom who puts all his energy into being a caregiver.

Whatever stage of the lifestyle you're in, whether you're an old hand at dom dating or it's your first time, we are shining a light on some useful information that may just lead to the best experience you've ever had.

The 10 best ways to find a dom or sub

A deep dive into online BDSM sites

Not only does the internet already hold the key to our work, play, shopping, finances, and so much more, but you really can't look any further than the internet when it comes to the BDSM community.

Visit really is the pioneer in the BDSM platform game. It well and truly paved the way for the alternative dating scene and remains a popular place for the fetish world to meet and mingle. It consistently welcomes a large, active member base.

Whilst signing up to the site is free, in order to really sink your teeth into as a swingers site, we recommend investing in the premium subscription which will open up all of the fancy features of the site.

Favourable reviews are very rare for a dating site, however, the site maintains excellent reviews - a real accomplishment. The chat, live video streaming, detailed profiles, and overall impressive nature of the website are to thank for its positive reputation.


It’s all right there in the website name. If you're a sub looking for a dom, worry no more. has the power and resources to connect you with a community of people just like you. When you're wondering how to find a dom, the answer may be to give this platform a chance.

Some of the innovative signature features of BDSM are the Hotlist which allows members to connect and keep track of profiles that catch their eye, the capability to stream hot live videos, and saucy private chat rooms that cater to particular niches within the BDSM sphere.


Visit Fetster

Fetster showcases intelligent search functions, as well as comprehensive filters for a wide range of attributes (age, sexual preferences and interests just to name a few). When it comes to dom dating, sub dating, and everything in between, this is the site for you. For all things BDSM and kink related, be sure to consider Fetster for your next encounter.

You will find free messaging, video sharing, blogs, forums, events, and classifieds on Fetster which really makes it feel like a community.

Fetster aims to target catfishes by eliminating them through their Verified Users system. These verified users are people who have sent photos of themselves holding a Fetster sign to the admin. It may not be not totally fake-proof but it’s great to see a dating site doing its part to keep members safe.

A really cool bonus feature is the customisation capabilities for your dashboard and profile which can be actioned by playing around with HTML and widgets.


Visit FetLife

Fetlife prides itself on its status as the Kink Social Networking Service.

Specifically designed with people fascinated by the BDSM lifestyle in mind, FetLife provides a surprising amount of features with a free account. The sign-up is easy, however, the profiles are somewhat comprehensive - no doubt, that's so you can connect with people you're compatible with.

Once you're all signed up, you'll find that there are two main methods of connection on the platform. One of these is the forum where you can find a dom to chat with and get to know them and see if they’re compatible with your desires. It's here that you can also request local advice on the BDSM scene in your local area. This is perfect for a sub seeking doms.

The other method of communication is to utilise the ads section to publish a post that details your mission to find a dom. Because ads are sorted logically, and grouped within communities, you should have no problem reaching your target audience.


The registration process for BDSMSingles is efficient and easy. Using your location to connect you with singles in your area who share your tastes for BDSM, the platform allows a limited free trial to get a feel for the site and the community.

Functioning much like Tinder when it comes to the Rapid Match feature you are welcomed with after sign-up, you will be shown people for which you must swipe left for no, and right for yes. This allows you to find matches quickly, and get the conversations flowing. Having said that, please note that you must be a premium member in order to access your mailbox.


If you want to ask questions or seek recommendations across any topic you can dream of, Reddit is a great wealth of knowledge and resources. With members from all over the world posting 24/7, you can almost guarantee there’ll be someone waiting to engage with you at any time of day.

When it comes to starting out in your Reddit journey in looking for a dom, you really can't go past the r/BDSM community.

Be sure to browse through the existing threads to see if you can find a dom near you. If not, you can create your own thread to kick things off.

BDSM munches

A munch is a casual event where people who share an interest in the kink or BDSM lifestyle can meet up in public - usually in a bar, cafe, or similar, and chat with like-minded people.

No physical activities take place at a munch. It is designed to introduce people with shared interests and allow them to mingle, and share and discuss topics that they find intriguing.

Classified ads

Although the idea of placing a classified ad may sound old school, sometimes the classic, tried and tested methods are the best.

When you're wondering how to find a dominant partner, the good old classifieds can help. Post an ad and wait and see who it reaches.

Facebook groups

It may sound basic but Facebook groups can be a fountain of inspiration, connection, and knowledge. If you're keen on a dom and sub relationship, why not utilise everything Facebook has to offer - public discussions, Messenger for private and group chats and so much more?

BDSM forums like

Forums provide a great resource and wealth of information, and they're a great method of connecting people with a shared interest in a particular topic.

When it comes to BDSM, sites like are good places to find people like you, who are into the same kinks and fetishes.

How to Identify Whether a Person is a Real Dom or Sub?

A real dom will want to get to know you, ascertain what type of sub you are, and will want to know as much as possible about the type of dominant partner you're looking for.

They care about forming a relationship based on compatibility, consent, boundaries, and respect. Avoid anyone who tries to manipulate, force, coerce, or pressure you into anything. That is a huge red flag and you should run the other way.

You should feel empowered and positive about the partnership, and if that's not the case, they are not the dom for you.

If there's ever a question about compatibility upfront, it may be a good idea to both do the same BDSM test and find out what kind of dom or sub you are, and most importantly, if you're a suitable match.

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